What stuck with me after homeschooling my chi’ren for years
My chi’ren are four years apart, and I pulled both of ’em outta 4th grade to unschool ’em. My son went back to school in the 9th grade and my daughter went back in the 7th grade. My son is now 16 and on his way to Job Corp next month. And my daughter will be 13 next week. My nerves were getting the best of me. I realized I could either let anxiety make me sick, or I could…surrender.
We actually unschooled, which is different from homeschooling.
Homeschooling is determining what your kids need to learn and teaching them that outside of the school system. Unschooling is curiosity-based. It’s providing the resources to help your child learn more about what they’re interested in. And you let ’em go as deep (or not) as they wanna go with it or can safely go with it, regardless how long it takes.
Unschooling teaches you a lot about yourself and your beliefs—especially the beliefs you ain’t even know you had. I could’ve swore I ain’t care what people thought of me ’til family and friends asked my children what they were learning at home. My kids would shrug. And I’d feel pressed to fill in the blanks to avoid looking like I was dumbing my kids down. Or when my daughter pointed out that I get mad at her when she makes mistakes. Or when my son said adults act like kids don’t have a right to get mad.
So as not to get lost in the examples (because I got beaucoup of ’em), I’ll move on.
Unschooling strengthened our relationship. People tell me all the time that when they were 13 and 16 years old, they didn’t wanna be anywhere near their parents. I say, “Because while y’all were beefing, we were bonding.” School creates tension. Fussing in the morning to get ready, rushing in the evening to finish homework and get ready for the next day. Grades. Conduct. It’s so much to argue over. When you’re home, it’s naturally less conflict.
When they went back to school, we kept unschooling.
We just had less time (and energy) to explore their interests. We’re still learning together though—about ourselves as a unit, ourselves as individuals, and about the world around us and our place in it. I still think the school system is more harmful than it is helpful, and we talk about it.
Now that they’re moving closer to adulthood, I’m starting to worry. True to Sankofa style, I’m just going back to what I already learned. Here are some of the big ones:
Krak ya Teet.
Them years they weren’t in school, I worried a lotta time that they weren’t learning enough. I talked to their dads about it and my friends and my therapist and Akilah (founder of Fare of the Free Child). But it wasn’t until I talked my children about my fears that I gained real peace. I gotta do the same thing now.
But still vent to ya village.
Shout out to my mama for reminding me how much she trusted that I would be great in life, regardless of my decisions at 13-14 years old. To my old man for never letting me forget that I’m a great mother with amazing children (and for letting me cry/whine about the same thing 50-11 times without feeling like I’m getting on his nerves). To Elbi for sharing her experience of going off to basic training at 17 years old and telling me how good it feels to get letters in the mail, regardless of cell phone access. To Jessi for sharing how she’s in a similar headspace in mothering her 16-year-old son.
Handpick you a good ass village and trust ’em with your wins and your worries.
Accept that you won’t always be understood though.
It might make you question yourself, and that’s okay. Sometimes we need to be checked and realigned. But sometimes we gotta accept that some people, even our favorites, just don’t understand. That don’t mean you outta line though.
You bout what you be talkin bout, or nah?
I believe that there’s no such thing as the wrong choice. I believe that life will teach my children far more me, and that they have the spirits to survive the lessons. I believe that I’m better off when I trust and surrender rather than worry and try to control the outcome. That there’s no need to rush or try to keep up with everyone else’s timing. And that having children who trust me versus fear me is important.
My beliefs hold me down. They help steer my decisions and show me where to let go and where to hold tighter. But if I start to find it too hard to believe ’em, then it might be time to let ’em fly. Because I gotta be bout what I be talkin bout.
Be okay with not being okay.
Tanesha: How you been?
Me: I’ve been having some REAL good days, and I’ve been really proud of how I love on myself on the days that ain’t so good.
Tanesha: I’m happy for you! Loving on ourselves is the best thing we can do. It seem like from birth we are conditioned to outsource our love. That’s why people be walking around empty and shit.
Me: Exactly.
Read.
A few I’m re-reading are:
- Bell Hooks – All About Love
- Akilah S. Richards – Perfectly Rational Reasons To Be Okay With Not Being Okay
- Assata Shakur – Assata: An Autobiography
- Pearl Cleage – Things I Should Have Told My Daughter
Feel free to recommend more in the comments.