Crossing to Connect: Going Out of Our Way for More Meaningful Moments
Back in July, my brother Patrick invited me to his daughter’s Sweet 16 party in October. I immediately said yes. Our younger sister, Maya, and dad agreed to come too. That’s a big deal for us and we’ve never all been in the same place at the same time. We didn’t grow up together and we live in different places. Patrick in El Paso, Maya in New Orleans, our dad in Monroe, and I’m in Savannah. That ain’t all of us, because my dad has six kids, but it’s the closest we’ve gotten so far as adults.
It wasn’t a cheap trip to make either, but it was important.
In my TEDx Talk, “We All Cousins,” I mentioned how we have to be willing to cross the tracks to build relationships. I was referring to class and race, since railroad tracks often seperated poorer neighborhoods or black neighborhoods from neighborhoods that were mostly white and/or having more money. I also mentioned being willing to cross the street sometimes, giving the example of how I got cool with a white baby boomer from New York who lived across the street from me. We wouldn’t have checked any of the same boxes on a survey, except for our zip codes, yet built a beautiful friendship.
Crossing to connect goes beyond building relationships with those different from us. It also includes—and maybe even starts with—connecting with those we already like and love. And going out of our way to do it. That’s what the El Paso trip meant to me. It was a nudge that you gotta do what you gotta do to get together in person in a meaningful way.
“Do what you gotta do”
Assessing the situation and respond in a way that moves you towards yes. What’s stopping you from doing it already? Time? Money? Pride? In the case of my neighbor, Kirk, across the street, it was fear of rejection but also me assuming that we had nothing in common. I was all the way wrong, and shoutout to my friend Brandi for nudging me to make the connection. I talk about the whole thing in the blog post, “Conversations with My Trump-Supporting Neighbor.”
Another example of how I crossed to connect was by offering assistance to my homegirls who just had babies. I had a relatively free week, with not many obligations. Time is often a problem for my capacity, so I have to be very intentional about making space in my schedule. That means writing everything down in my planner so I can see how tight/free my time is, not being scared to miss out on stuff by saying no, and scheduling necessities as far apart as possible. Some weeks are still crammed tight, and that’s just what it is, but I do my best to keep it spacious.
In one of those easy weeks I designed, I gave myself the first three days to relax. Then I reached out to them and said “I’m pretty free today. Is there anything I can do to make your life a lil easier?” One asked if I’d wash and retwist her hair, and the other asked if I’d bring dinner. I said yes to both. Then I went back to chilling the last day of my free week. So I didn’t sacrifice self-care to do this. I refilled my cup then shared. Them being willing to yes instead of being scared to seem like a burden was equally important. It gave ’em what they needed and inspired me to do the same when I need support.
In the case of the El Paso trip, money was the issue. So I calculated how much the trip would cost, including plane tickets, hotel, and spending money, and knew how much I’d need to put in my vacation savings account each paycheck to make it happen. Side note: I could’ve charged it all to my credit card, but I’m reducing debt, and swiping my debit card would’ve restricted my funds. I’ve been focusing on better money management, and my favorite resource is Get Good With Money by Tiffany Aliche.
Get together in person
Sending each other memes on social media is cool, occasional texts and phone calls is great, voice notes and FaceTime is all good, but none compare to being with each other in person. Being together physically creates shared experiences and memories that are more meaningful than digital interactions. When y’all already like or love each other, spending time together in person—especially when it ain’t an ordinary thing—can be physically healing to your body. So much goodness is happening at once: curiosity, gratitude, joy, connection, and even vulnerability. Laughter shared over a meal, spontaneous adventures, and the quiet moments of simply being present all contribute to a sense of belonging and fulfillment. These experiences reduce stress and make us feel more alive and connected.
In-person time make space for deeper conversations that lead to revelations and insights about each other, strengthening bonds in ways that texts and calls alone just don’t. It’s a chance to fully engage with one another. This is always my experience, including the time I flew to Kentucky to meet my penpal who turned out to actually be my cousin, and the time I met up with Angela Davis Johnson in Philly, who I’d interviewed for an article and ended up getting cool with.
In a meaningful way
I mentioned to a friend my plans for an event, and she suggested I read The Art of Gathering. Although I only skimmed it, it provided valuable insights on having a clear purpose for the gathering, being mindful of who you invite and how they’ll affect the vibe, and making sure everyone feels included. The book emphasizes that many gatherings lack purpose, leading to disengagement. These ideas were particularly helpful when I organized the Gullah Girls Night last October.
And all the right elements were present in the El Paso trip too. I love history, so we checked out the Museum of Archeology. My sister and daughter loves shopping, so the mall and flea market were on the to-do list. My dad and brother love football, so they spent time watching it on the big screen. Other little tidbits that they knew we liked (e.g., food, drinks, and other treats) were present too. It was everything!
I’m so grateful that my brother asked us to come. I don’t know if I would have the same. Because we live so far away and traveling can be expensive, I would’ve just assumed that it wasn’t feasible. But he did and we all showed up! And that’s what it takes, whether we’re building relationships with people we don’t know or deepening relationships we already have, we gotta do what we gotta do to get together more often in person in meaningful ways.
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